Smart D&D Players, Stupid Actions

I first started playing Dungeons & Dragons in 1977 and took on the mantle of the Dungeon Master in 1978. In that time, I have seen some really stupid and oftentimes hilarious actions by otherwise smart players. In this edition of the Hall of the Grymlorde,™ here are three examples of foolish actions.

Ivar the Boneless

During a “Viking” themed campaign that I ran, the party chanced to meet a fellow named Ivar the Boneless. Now before you start snickering, do note that there really was a Viking by that name quite active in the 9th Century. So here’s the setup: The PCs go into a mead hall and notice a big tough looking guy drinking by himself. They ask the nearest guy who the big guy is and find out he’s called ‘Ivar the Boneless’ — but don’t call him that to his face. Now most of you reading this have already figured out what’s going to happen, and indeed it does. What could possibly be the dumbest thing the PCs could do right now? Call Ivar “boneless” to his face? Right. And that is exactly what they did. Smart-arse PC taunts Ivar and Ivar punches PC in the face. The Jarl’s men break up the fight and Ivar challenges the PC to a holmgang, that is to say a duel. Next day they meet on a small island in the river, stripped to the waist and armed only with a dagger in hand. What the PCs didn’t know is that A) Ivar is a higher level warrior, B) he uses a magical dueling dagger, and C) he is specialized in dagger fighting. Long story short, Ivar kills the PC. Second PC jumps onto the island to avenge his “brother.” Ivar kills him. Third PC jumps onto the island and promptly dies. Fourth PC apologizes, offers up all the possessions of the first three PCs (as is custom) and leaves while the three players roll up new characters.

One of the players starting going on about how I screwed them and set them up to die. I pointed out that they were the ones foolish enough to provoke Ivar. I learned my craft from OD&D (c.1974) — stupid actions bring stupid deaths. The other players suddenly understood and joked about how they did act foolish and deserved it. The first player refused to take responsibility and that was not the first nor the last that he acted foolishly and denied it but that is another story.

Lambda the Lawful/Good Ranger

In the fall of 1978, the party was returning to town after a harrowing adventure in a dungeon when they met a man wearing plate mail, carrying a flail, no helmet, no shield (sounds like a cleric, right?) mounted on a red dragon. He hailed the party and introduced himself as Nommis-En. The party caller introduced himself as ‘Lambda the Lawful Good Ranger.’ You should have seen the look on the other player’s faces! A weird mixture of horror and laughter! I rolled for Nommis-En’s reaction and … well, he laughed so hard, he fell off the dragon! The party seized this good fortune and doubled-timed it out of there!

Always carry a Hold Portal spell

OD&D and AD&D Ghouls can be devastating to an unlucky party. Every hit with a claw will cause paralyzation unless a saving throw is made. Each ghoul gets two claw attacks per round plus a bite. During one dungeon adventure the party was massively unlucky. The cleric rolled poorly on his attempt to turn the ghouls and got paralyzed. Then the fighter and the ranger got paralyzed. And then the dwarven fighter and the hobbit thief were hit and failed their saving throws. Only the magic-user was unscathed because he was in the back rank. The M-U ran at the nearest opportunity and the ghouls chased him. I rolled to see which ones stayed behind to feast on the paralyzed victims but most decided to give chase. Now the magic-user’s base movement was 12" while the ghould only move at 9," which gave him a speed advantage. However, the ghouls knew the layout of the dungeon much better than the magic-user and herded him into a blind corridor. The other players kept telling the M-U to cast a Hold Portal spell. But he could not. He had not memorized that spell nor Wizard Lock for that matter. He did not have those spells on scrolls either. Nor did he have a potion of speed. I will grant him this — he managed to kill on of the ghouls with his dagger before the other two paralyzed him and literally ate him alive. TPK for want of a Hold Portal.